Always and Forever

Always and Forever

“She said she has given up you. You’ve disappointed her way too many times and she said that she can’t care anymore.” The silence after your declaration ensures the words hit twenty times harder. You have a sheepish look in your eye while relaying her message. I try to muster a smile as I grab our coats and exit the cafe.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Let’s make our own notes. Post-it’s with our vows and our promises to each other !!” you laugh with poorly contained excitement. I throw the notepad at you , lazily playing along to your game.

You. You were my very best friend. You would laugh easy, the smile always reaching your eye. Your big, almond eyes could bail you out of anything, pulling the innocent look with such perfection. You liked to tell almost truths, and buried your secrets in half lies. You were jovial, but guarded. You wore short skirts and built great, insurmountable walls. I liked to wear pant suits, and smile firmly. My tiny eyes were covered by my mooned spectacles. My honest mouth would run me into obvious trouble.

My easy trust continued to jab at your fortress. I remember the first time you broke down in front of me. It left you feeling nude, unprotected. I felt such exhilaration. You had chosen me !!!! I remember vowing then that I would never do anything to make you regret your choice.

For better or for worse, I promise to trust you. Always and forever.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I cringe inwardly, as I am jolted back to reality. Keeping up my brisk pace, one horrible memory after another flashes before my eyes like a movie- I portray the unrelenting antagonist to your beseeching protagonist. I did break your trust though, on multiple occasions. It was so much easier to put the blame on you than to actually confront my mistakes, to face off with all the demons hiding in the realms of my soul. Instead, they purred. Their fangs curled up in an almost smile.

You forgave me with unwavering love. All my missiles ricochet off your bullet-proof suit. However, in my teenage ignorance I took that for granted. Every person reaches their peak tolerance. They learn that there is only this much they can accept and that they deserve better. You were no exception. Clarity dawned upon you, and you took your first step through the door.

For better or for worse, I promise to love you. Always and forever.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

We seemed to live off the drama, enjoying it too much to realise that this friendship was not healthy. This could be attributed to our secret competitiveness, the perpetual need to outshine each other at parties.

The words grew nastier. Except this time the wound did not cut skin deep, it left a superficial abrasion. Your smile never quite seemed to reach your eye anymore, and mine remained firmly plastered across my face.

For better or for worse, I promise to be kind to you. Always and forever.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Then, you met a boy who changed your life. His smothering hugs stitched all your broken pieces together. You trusted easily, half lies and buried secrets exposed. I met a boy who made me walk on a bed of nails for his affection. Ambiguity was his forte and secrecy was my way of life. I hid him from you, lying constantly. Every phone call unanswered, I pushed you away. The fear of not abiding by his wishes coupled with his easy temper, overshadowed my need to speak to you.

I wanted to reach out to you; I wanted to share him with you. But I craved his affection more, so I stopped talking to you altogether.

For better or for worse, I promise to choose you. Always and forever.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

”You’re the kind of person who hurts people.” The ghost of our last fight still haunts me. I wish I could go back to that, back to all those endless arguments. I would exchange this superficial friendship for every cruel thought that you can ever hurl at me. Back to when you cared enough to fight, when you still thought we were worth fighting for.

For better or for worse, I promise to be honest with you. Always and forever.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I can tell the difference in you. I realise that I am probably a part of your change. We are so embedded in each other’s history, such that we are always going to enact a pivotal role in our stories.

You. You are built out of old pictures, old albums, old t-shirts, old friends. You’re built from the past and every inch of you belongs to everyone you have ever known. I changed you for the worse, and that guilt like my very own gnome is always going to follow me. You left, but I still have sand in my shoes.

For better or for worse, I promise to never give up on you. Always and forever.

2 comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *