After hesitating, I sat down for it seemed wrong to accept a peace offering. And it was the first time that he had verbally expressed any sort of familial sentiment. So I sat and bit the side of my tongue, trying to ignore the sound of his chewing. It just went on and on.
When I thought I couldn’t bear it anymore, I looked up to tell him that I wasn’t hungry.
He was looking at me, beady little eyes analysing my every expression and action. And that’s when I knew that he was doing it deliberately. Maybe he had always done it deliberately. He knew I hated the noise and this was my punishment for my disrespectful behaviour. Those eyes pinned me to my sit and the atrocious noises he was making drowned out all other noises till it was the only thing I could hear, scraping my nerves, hurting my ears till I thought they would bleed.
Tchk tchk- ‘There was a fire. Your parents were in it’- cold eyes expressing nothing. Tchk tchk- ‘That stupid dog got herself run over’- like he knew I knew he had hated the dog… Like he knew I knew that he was the driver. Tchk tchk- ‘Pauline is a bad influence on you.’ Tchk slurpp- ‘Come sit with me.’
It was a sea of chaos and I was drowning in it, unable to breathe. I had to free myself, you see. You understand now, don’t you Pauline? Why I did it? Why I had to do it? There was really no other choice.
Poor Aunt Milli. It must have been a dreadful shock for her to come home and find her husband with all that blood over him and his eyes staring unseeingly at her. All his food wasted. I however managed to finish mine and it was quite good. There is still room for her to improve though. Tell her not to use the kitchen knife unless she cleans it thoroughly and that I’m sorry and if I had to do it again, I would do it in my room so that she could at least rest a while before seeing Uncle Ronny looking so ugly.
It really is boring here. They have very particular timings for breakfast, etc and the grills have dirt on them. The bed is quite hard but I’ve become used to it. The noises were gone for a while. I ate with the other people here and none of the noises produced by their clumsiness bothered me.
But now, it’s slowly coming back. There is something- a bird I hope- that keeps on tapping on the wall. I have been noticing it more and more. One of the people here kept on scratching her hair today. I sat as far away as I could. That is another reason why I’m writing to you. I’m not going back there you see. I don’t want to go through that again. So next week, I am going to kill myself. There is a bulb that glows really dimly here. I’ll use it somehow.
I really wanted to get out of here and see you again but any time in units of years is a long time.
Miss me, goodbye and all my well wishes if they somehow help in anyway.
Pauline rubbed her eyes and placed the letter back into place. Yawning, she switched the lamp off and snuggling into her blankets was asleep in less than a minute. She had received the letter on 2 July. After a lot of hesitation, she had finally hidden it.